Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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