It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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