I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I supernannyed him into submission
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
