I am midnight drunk by noon
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
