how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
