Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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