I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
