Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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