i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
