If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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