so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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