awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
