on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
