tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
