its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
