cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm passing your future prison.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize