we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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