she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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