I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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