I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
