I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
