good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
