My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
