Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
