sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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