If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
