I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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