dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
