highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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