When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
