my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I wish i was in the wii world.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
