barbara walters just said penis...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
