I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
