Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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