my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
