I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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