those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
