I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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