this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
