I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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