Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
