don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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