Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
