I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
