Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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