You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize