I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
