Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
splinters make it hard to masturbate
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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