Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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