you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
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