Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
