Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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