Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
