Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
