I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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