Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize