So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
