I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
When are your genitals available?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
