And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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