Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
