There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
