I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
