I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The adults are the big ones right?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
