I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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