hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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