I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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