If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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