i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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