when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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