I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
