Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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