Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
