How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
